Hello everyone!
I am continuing the series on marriage and divorce. Today we are going to discuss, intimacy in marriage. I received this question on the post Marriage is Sacred and Binding and I wanted to answer it as best as I could based on scripture. I did not realize I would get so many comments on the post but I am excited to share them with you.
This is a question we all can learn from and one that is more prevalent than we would like to admit. I have a personal experience of discussing intimacy in marriage with a friend that can shed some light on the topic.
A few years ago, my friend and I met for coffee to catch up. With our hectic schedules, we had not seen each other in months. We kept in contact over the phone but we usually met for coffee at least once a week. Anyway, as we were talking and catching up, I asked about her husband and how things were with his business. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes and she whispered, "It feels like the love is gone. He is obsessed with work. We live separate lives and we hardly spend time together. It feels like we are roommates." She spoke of the emotional and physical distance. She felt lonely, confused, and unsure of what to do. Her words hit me hard. I've known them for a long time and they were always a model Christian couple, one to be revered so it was hard to hear that they were going through a rough patch. So I will share with you some of the scriptures I used to encourage her but before we do that, let's first take a look at what intimacy in marriage looks like.
Intimacy is the heartbeat of a marriage, the glue that binds two people together in a unique and sacred way. Without intimacy, a marriage will feel cold, distant, and empty. You can mask the lack of intimacy with work and keeping yourself busy but it is always there. I know of couples who do a good job of putting on a mask for public outings but when they get home the masks fall off and the truth is revealed- it was all a rouse for people to think we are "that couple" when in fact we don't get along. There are married couples that enjoy passionate physical intimacy but their relationship is still lacking true intimacy. They fool each other into thinking that a physical relationship equates to intimacy, but sadly it does not.
True intimacy goes far beyond the physical. It encompasses emotional, spiritual, and mental closeness between two people. It is vulnerability, trust, and allowing your spouse to know you fully without fear of rejection or judgment. It is the foundation of any marriage. It involves sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams with each other, trusting that your spouse will handle them with care, and not divulging your secrets carelessly. In marriage, this means that a spouse is supportive, attentive, encouraging, and present through the highs and lows.
To understand, intimacy between a husband and wife, we have to first understand what God intended for intimacy to look like in marriage.
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and they shall become one flesh" - Genesis 2:24
Becoming "one flesh" is not solely about physical intimacy but it is about emotional connection, spiritual unity, and deep partnership. Marriage is a reflection of God's covenant with his people, where two become one, mirroring the love and commitment God has for us.
"Leaving" does not mean that you abandon or cut off your relationship with your parents. A spouse who truly understands the importance of family and parents in your life would never ask you to cut off your parents. However, the bible addresses "leaving" as a requirement for the married couple to "become one flesh." This requires that the spouse shifts his primary loyalty and commitment from his parents to his wife.
In the culture of the time, men often remained in close proximity to their families, so this scripture emphasizes the importance of prioritizing the marriage relationship over the old family structure. In fact, for a marriage to thrive, there must be a change of priorities. While honoring and loving one's parents remains a biblical commandment (Exodus 20:12), the relationship with a spouse takes precedence. In practical terms, this means that the husband and wife are responsible for making decisions together, solving problems as a team, and supporting each other as the primary partners in life.
Marriage creates a new family unit, independent and distinct from the parents, while still honoring them.
When my friend discussed the absence of intimacy of marriage, it was painful to talk about and it was a difficult situation to be in. One spouse may not see that there is a problem with how things are and there are spouses that do not know what intimacy looks like nor do they seek knowledge on the topic. Although it can be a difficult topic to discuss, there is hope. The bible provides wisdom for restoring intimacy in a God-honoring way. Here are some steps to consider, along with scriptures to encourage you.
1. Seek God First Through Prayer
When intimacy is lacking, it’s important to turn to God first. Only He can give you the wisdom, patience, and love necessary to navigate this difficult time. Pray for your marriage, your spouse, and for God to heal and restore the areas that feel broken. Ask Him to reveal any areas where you may need to change and to soften your spouse's heart.
In Philippians 4:6-7, we are reminded of the power of prayer: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
God cares about every aspect of your marriage, and He is able to provide healing and restoration where needed.
2. Communicate Openly and Lovingly
A lack of intimacy often stems from unspoken frustrations, misunderstandings, or unmet emotional needs. Sometimes couples withdraw from each other when they feel hurt, unappreciated, or misunderstood. And then again, life happens. We become so consumed with our work and other responsibilities that marriage takes a back seat. One of the keys to restoring intimacy is open and loving communication.
Approach your spouse with grace, being careful to express your feelings without assigning blame. Instead of focusing on what's wrong, share your desire to strengthen the relationship. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to “speak the truth in love.” This means being honest about your feelings while remaining kind and patient in your approach. Make it a habit to check in with one another regularly, discussing emotional, spiritual, and physical needs in a loving and non-defensive way.
3. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy
As I stated, intimacy is more than just physical closeness; it starts with emotional connection. To restore intimacy, focus on rekindling the emotional bond you share with your spouse. This can be done by spending quality time together, listening to one another, and showing appreciation.
In 1 Peter 3:7, husbands are specifically told to be considerate of their wives: “Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” This applies to both partners: being thoughtful, considerate, and understanding is essential to fostering a deeper emotional connection. Emotional intimacy will often lead to a natural restoration of physical closeness.
4. Seek Unity in Spiritual Matters
Spiritual intimacy is a powerful aspect of marriage that is often overlooked. Praying together, reading Scripture, and seeking God as a couple strengthens your bond and invites His presence into your marriage.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us of the strength that comes from unity with God: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
A marriage that invites God to be the "third strand" in the relationship will be much stronger. As you grow closer spiritually, you'll find that other areas of your relationship—emotional and physical intimacy—also improve.
5. Practice Patience and Grace
Restoring intimacy, especially after a long period without it, requires patience. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your spouse, remembering that God’s timing is perfect. Show each other grace, just as God shows grace to us.
In Colossians 3:13, Paul encourages us to be forgiving and patient with one another: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
This is important when it comes to rebuilding a marriage. If past hurts have contributed to the lack of intimacy, both partners need to extend forgiveness and move forward in grace.
6. Honor the Physical Aspect of Marriage
Now let's discuss physical intimacy. Physical intimacy is a gift from God designed to deepen the bond between husband and wife. While emotional and spiritual intimacy are foundational, physical intimacy plays a vital role in marriage as well. Paul addresses this in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
This passage emphasizes the mutual responsibility of husbands and wives to care for each other's physical needs. It also acknowledges that physical intimacy should be approached with mutual respect and love.
7. Seek Counseling or Outside Support
If you've exhausted all of these steps or still feel intimacy is lacking, you may need to consult outside support in the form of Godly, scripture-based Christian counsel. Sometimes, intimacy issues are complex and deeply rooted. If you’ve tried praying, communicating, and rebuilding your connection without progress, seeking outside help can be beneficial. A Christian marriage counselor or pastor can offer wisdom and guidance, providing tools to help you reconnect.
Proverbs 11:14 reminds us of the value of seeking wise counsel: “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” A trusted Christian counselor can help you and your spouse navigate challenges and work toward a deeper, more intimate marriage.
When intimacy fades in a marriage, it can feel discouraging, but there is always hope in Christ. As you turn to God, communicate with your spouse, and take steps to rebuild emotional, spiritual, and physical closeness, trust that God is at work.
In Romans 12:12, we are encouraged to be “joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Patience and prayer are key to restoring intimacy. Remember that God desires for your marriage to flourish, and He is able to bring healing, unity, and intimacy back into your relationship.
Trust in Him, continue to seek His guidance, and remain committed to the process of growing closer to your spouse.
I want to thank the person who asked this question and has allowed me to explore this topic. I pray that God blesses each marriage with true intimacy as He originally intended.
God bless you!
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